When something doesn't go the way you planned it...what's the first thing you tell yourself? Do you blame? Belittle? Chastise? Or do you encourage support and uplift?
Many of us only do the latter when dealing with a friend, colleague or family member but when it comes to dealing with ourselves only have negative things to say or think. If you caught this evenings Periscope (Follow me @Luvblacklove!) we chatted about the example of a friend who was "rejected" (we may never know what actually happened on his end!) by a man she had recently met online dating. The negative self talk was immediate from being a loser to no one wanting her to seeking finding confidence by needing to assert herself over others.
If that same scenario happened to a friend instead of to herself the reaction would have been much different. Encouragement and celebration of all her accomplishments, focusing on all the good in her and what he is missing out. So why can we not provide this same reaction and encouragement to ourselves?
We do this not just in romantic situations but work, friendship etc. We tell ourselves all the reasons we fail or aren't deserving of greatness, when really we are. This leads us down a dangerous path when it comes to aligning ourselves for what wan in love and beyond. When we aren't kind to ourselves; when we don't feel we deserve more, we attract less.
Whether you are single and assessing your potential matches or with someone who is perhaps not treating you right, you will settle feeling you don't deserve better or can't do better. Even those who are with a loving supportive partner but don't fully love themselves will run into trouble.
To truly love and be loved by someone else you need to love yourself first and sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. In order to find success in love we must be equally yoked with our partner. The definition of this may vary from person to person but in the end the core means we need to share values, love and principles. If I love you, but you don't love you, there is already an imbalance.
That's not to say that you or your partner should leave, but that a commitment to finding that love for yourself needs to be found. If you are blessed enough to have someone there through that journey, be willing to do the work!
There is value in each and every one of us and we as women especially are often quick to second guess ourselves, blame ourselves, undervalue ourselves and minimize our greatness. But we need to stop this. We are smart, resourceful, powerful and great beyond measure. It is easy for us as black women to feel the weight of all the negativity that surrounds us and feel down. However there are so many positive narratives we need to focus on as well:
- We are entrepreneurs
- We are highly educated
- We are trendsetters, and so much more
I hope each and everyone of you takes a moment today to celebrate your greatness. If you are struggling with truly loving and appreciating yourself, pause. Focus on what is wonderful about you. Then think about your blind spots and where you seek growth. Perhaps ask a family member or loved one for some supportive feedback. But find at least one thing you love about yourself and plant that seed, nourish it and grow it every day.
Find that love within yourself and watch all the other aspects of your life align with the greatness within you.